I know, I know…wanting your own kids to lose at something sounds so horrible when I say it out loud but it’s true.
Last week, I was able to steal away from work for an hour to watch my son participate in field day. (You know, sack race, 50 yd dash, tug-of-war…) He was happy that I could make it and I was pretty darn excited to be there. Right before he lined up for his heat of the 100 yd dash, I whispered in his ear “have fun”. And secretly, to myself, I hoped he did not come in 1st place. Horrible?! Let me explain.
The race began and he led most of the way but ended up second as he crossed the line (on his belly). I was happy but what thrilled me more than anything was to watch him run back to his class with a smile on his face chatting with the boys he raced against. No tears. No stomping. No angry face. No saying the other runners cheated. No blaming his shoestring or the freshly cut blades of grass or any other lame excuse. Just acceptance.
I want my son to desperately understand how to lose. Because as an adult, I understand now that life is all about failures and how you handle them. I know others think I’m mean and too strict with my boys but I want them to understand if you want something, you have to work for it. Nothing comes easy, or at least nothing of any value. This is exactly why I rarely let my boys win unless they win fair and square. I don’t botch any games just to see a fleeting smile from them. I want them to THINK and play HARD then when they do win, their smile is REAL and it lasts oh so much longer because they earned it.
My youngest and I have recently started playing quite a bit of chess. And I don’t let him win. Now, he’s getting so good that I have to REALLY focus and give it my all and he still sometimes beats me. But had I started letting him win in the beginning, he would have never turned into the player that he is now. And yes, there were tears in the beginning when he lost over and over again. But like I said, I want him to know how to lose. When he loses now, he usually just wants to know when can we play again. No tears, no whining, no blaming extraneous variables. Just acceptance. Graceful acceptance.
I don’t want my boys to always expect to come out on top. I want them to work hard and make it a goal to try their best ALWAYS but realize that their best might not always be #1. And that is so okay with me.
If they are so accustomed to winning at everything, all the time, when something is challenging or new, they might be afraid to even try. I don’t want them to be afraid to lose. I want my boys to be risk-takers, because we all know that great achievements involve great risks.
Red Fern Teacher 